Unfuckingtitled

I told myself I wouldn't cry, but it's a little too late for that. We get to spend approximately one hour together tomorrow. I shouldn't even be bitter about this whole thing, but fuck... I'm so disappointed. It really shows me how little I matter, as if I haven't already felt that way the past couple of years. Makes me seem really attention whore-ish, right? I admit that I can be... a lot of the time, but UGH, I don't know how to explain it. I've been feeling like shit and sad these past two weeks or so. It's been nothing but disappointments, one after the other. I wish I didn't care. I wish you didn't make up a big part of my life. I wish I could just start over. I wish I wish I wish, but none of this is gonna change, so I should just expect the worst.


I could literally cry for days.

K-Ci - Conversation (Can I Talk To You)

So I'm reading through some old AIM conversations I've had with people. Some made me cry and some made me smile... aaand I don't know, they just got me thinking I guess. As I was reading, I realized that I like having deep, or like serious conversations about feelings and whatnot. I mean, I didn't say much in some of them, but when I did, it was... interesting. I think it just feels good when I let everything out to whoever I'm having a serious conversation with. I guess anyone that does it would feel good about it, but I think it's different when I do it cause it rarely ever happens. At times I get tired of keeping everything in, but I just can't do it. It's probably cause I don't know what to expect from the other person, and sometimes I don't really wanna know what they're feeling... that's why I always say 'forget it' or 'whatever.'

Reading all these conversations also made me see just how much things have really changed. Like, I read certain things and in my mind I'm just like, 'Wow, that's not even true anymore.' or 'It's no longer like that.' etc. Of course I'll never really know if what I'm thinking is true until the time comes, but yeah... it just sucks.

My bestfriendforeverandFUCKINGalways is leaving in a couple days and I'm not sure if we're gonna get to hang out before he leaves. :[[[

Best Friend

Hm. I guess it's selfish of me to say that I want a best friend that no one else can call their own. It sucks though, cause that's how I feel. Stupid... I know, but it'd feel great to have that one person that cares a lot for you and only you. It irritates me when I hear someone call my best friend THEIR best friend, you know? Especially when I know that person doesn't even know much about her/him. I'm just like, "heeeey, that's my best friend. =|" LOL damn, I feel hella dumb complaining about this. Maybe I shouldn't have best friends at all. -.-

On another note, today was pretty boring. I woke up at 1ish and went straight to work when I got out of the shower. Work went by pretty quick, despite the fact that I was there until 1130 at night. There's a lot of Westmoor heads applying/getting hired at Mervyn's now. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, but I want Sam and Michelle to work with me! Too bad Sam doesn't wanna apply there anymore. Yeah... nothing much to talk about since all I did was work. At least I don't have to go to work until Thursday. Mhmm. Well, bye for now.

It All Comes Crashing Down...

This week fucking sucks. Ever since that night, everything's just been shit. I only make things worse -- he even said so himself. I don't know what the hell to do cause all the negativity I've been giving seems to come naturally. It's just not the same. I wanna know what's going on in his mind sooo bad so that I can figure out what to do with myself. It's been so irritating that at one point, I was thinking about just... leaving everything. I don't know how to say but like, isolating myself from him I guess. I'm not sure if I could ever do that though. I want things normal again, like a few months ago. Well it wasn't normal, but things were pretty alright then. Whatever, no point in looking back and hoping.

Hehhhh, recap of the past couple days?
Wednesday - Went bowling with Nicole, Cindy, and others from Oceana. Afterwards, Cindy and I went to eat at In N Out. While we were waiting for our order, we saw Aaron, Andy, Dillon, Jeremy, and Harry come in, which was hella random. Chatted with them for a bit then they left. Thennn we walked all the way back to Ranch99 so Cindy could take the bus home... and well, I walked home. Me, Sam, and Michelle went to the bonfire around 7. Lots of seniors were there and it was pretty awkward. Sam, Michelle, Julia, Cindy, and I walked 20+ blocks to get some frozen yogurt then went back to the bonfire. I got pretty annoyed at some people that were acting hella stupid. Ugh, I don't even wanna get into detail about the cave we went to after. I thought I was gonna die.
Thursday - Took the bus to work. I was supposed to have lunch with someone, but uh... he didn't show up. He had a reason but damn, I was pretty mad. So mad that I was fucking tearing while walking around the mall to get some food. -.- Alex came around 330 and waited 'til I got off at 4, then we took the bus to our houses and changed cause it was way too fucking hot. It was Spare the Air Day so we decided to take the bus to the BART station, hoping to go to the city, but the trains were only free until noon, so we just went to Stonestown. I finally bought the iPhone case that I've been eye-ing and Alex saw some cute girl working at LadyFootLocker, so I guess it was worth it.
Friday/today - I woke up at 1215 or something and had nothing to do. '09 dinner was postponed until July something. It was hella nice out.. so I took a shower and randomly thought of something that my bffaa and I could do, but when I came back to tell him, he already found something to do with other people. =| I'm not gonna lie, I excited myself with the plan I had. It was nothing special, but I think it woulda been fun. So yeah, I got pretty sad. I told my sister I wanted to go to the beach so she asked my dad and I didn't think he would, but he said okay. I didn't think he'd actually stay at the beach with me and my sisters either, but he did. Hah, yeah... that's it.

Don't Wanna Lose You Now

I did it -- I told him. It felt like I got everything out, but I'm not sure anymore. You know how people usually feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off their shoulders when they finally do something like I did? Yeah... I don't feel like that at all. I sorta feel the same actually. Still discontent, blank, empty... pretty damn disappointed really. I got nothing in return after I let out my feelings that I've been holding in for the longest time. I guess I can't blame him though. Maybe it was too much. Whatever. I don't know what I want. I never did, actually.

Anyfuckingways. Things didn't go as planned today. My brother didn't wanna take the studio pictures cause he wants a haircut even though he's practically almost bald. -.- After a long night last night, I ended up waking up at 3. I had no idea it was that late already... and I wouldn't have woken up until my mom called me and asked if I was still taking Nica to the movies. So yeah, that's all I did. Kung Fu Panda was good. It was kinda awkward taking my sister out cause we never spend time together like that. I guess I should do it more often. So when me and my sister got to the BART station to wait for the bus home, I ran into Jackie, my senior friend from physics class last year! Then I turn around and I see Cindy walking towards me... and I turn around again to see Wesley about to go on the bus too. Helllla random.

Tomorrow -- bowling with Nicole and her Oceana friends. Hopefully Cindy and/or Aaron go so that I'm not the only Westmoor person. =| Bonfire with supposedly a lot of people afterwards. We'll see how it goes.

Obliterate

Hellllo, miserable me is back to blog. -.-

I wonder if there's some kind of doctor that can help get rid of feelings. Oh wait, that's what those therapists are for. Yeah, I need one. Fuck, I don't know... I just need someone to vent to. Someone that doesn't know me. Don't take it personally, but if I vent to someone that knows me, I feel like they can be biased. Like, I can already guess what they're gonna tell me. "Just find someone new... get over him... stop saying you hate your life... blah blah blah." I bet there's no one that would understand wtf I'm doing. I don't understand myself, really. OH FUCKING WELL.

So anyways, I just realized that I'm actually doing something this whole week -- finally.
Monday: Work 6-3
Tuesday: I'm planning to take my sisters to watch Kung Fu Panda at the new theater in Tanforan. Thenn, I want to secretly take studio pictures with my siblings to give to my dad for Father's Day and my mom for a late Mother's Day present.
Wednesday: Bonfire at 7pm.
Thursday: Work 7-4
Friday: '09 dinner at 7pm.
Saturday: Work 230-1130

Agh, I should go to sleep. I have to catch the first bus at 530am.
P.S. Alex! Here's another emo blog, you dumb bitch.

Say You'll Stay

Hm, okay. I'm blogging through my phone. I'm not really sure what to blog about right now.

My summer's pretty dull. Besides two days ago at the beach, all I've done is stay home or work. I just wanna hang out with everyone sooon cause I'm dying here. Especially the ones that are going out of town and stuff -- like Aaron and his Australia/Hawaii track trip. He's pretty busy doing his own stuff though. Michelle's in Seattle right now. Thank God she's coming back on Tuesday. Kaye's in the Philippines... that lucky bitch. Yeeeah.

Soo I've been TRYING to keep my mind off of... yeah, but it's not really working. It's pretty fucking hard to try to lose feelings for someone and maintain a realllly strong friendship at the same time. Our friendship's been good though -- well, online it is. -.- Sigh, whatever. Maybe not seeing him will help or something.

Okay... I just read what I wrote. I really don't know what the fuck I'm typing/saying anymore. I'm so fucking confused, it's not even funny. SHOOT ME NOW.

Driving Myself Insane

UGH, summer just started and my feelings are acting up already. Apparently, I don't love or care about someone as much anymore. Not true. If you haven't noticed, I'm still pretty damn stuck. Seriously, I should be the one asking you that question. Whatever. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'll be over it by tomorrow at the latest. -.-

Anyway... I took SAT IIs this morning -- Literature and U.S. History. I'm pretty sure I did bad. Too many damn questions on the colonies and the 18th century; not enough on the Civil Rights Movement! Blahhh. Well, Michelle had Betty (her van) and we went to the movies to watch You Don't Mess With the Zohan. I thought it'd be muuuch better. I mean, it was funny, but it was just random ass dirty jokes and shit. I didn't know it was based on the whole Israel and Palestine feud. o.o We were gonna sneak into Sex and the City, but Julia had to go home. -.- So we dropped her off and didn't know where to go. Ended up going to Serramonte cause Michelle wanted to. LOL weird. All we did was get some Blizzards at DQ. Thennn, chilled at my house. We always end up at my boring ass house when we can't think of anywhere else to go. Fucking Kenny and Jaydee came over to hang out with my brother and his friends. I find that weird. So of course they annoyed me, Sam, and Michelle. After Sam left, I asked Michelle to drop me off at the mall where my parents and sisters were so I didn't have to be stuck at home with annoying boys. I actually bought some stuff... two shirts and two pairs of jeans. Yeah, that's it.

Hmm, plans for this summer?:
- Sleepovers with the Pack
- Camping w/ the Pack + Sam &her family?
- Yosemite for 4th of July w/ Michelle &her family?
- Jonas Brothers concert on July 14 or 15 (LOL)
- Workworkwork = moneymoneymoney
- Join 24 Fitness
- Dye hair
- Get my flat tummy back :[
- Summer reading... yuck
- SAVE MONEY =x
- Learn how to drive + take permit test
I don't know... I'm just hoping to hang out with everyone a lot. So yeah, call me!