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I take it back. I haven't made any progress.

We've gotten used to acting like there's nothing wrong, when in reality... everything's the matter.

That's All We'll Ever Be -- Nothing More.

Goodness gracioussss. I haven't felt so low in a while. These past two days have been crap. Yesterday, I blamed it on my PMS. Now I think it's more than that.

I feel emotionally weak. Tired. Drained. It sucks. I've been so happy lately, but it all went away. The only people keeping me up are Sam, Michelle, and Julia -- thank God for their high energy. But anyways, I'm back to where I used to be for a long time. When it happened, I told myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up, but it's just impossible for me. I'm too weak. Too easy. It seems to be the only person that I can run to for happiness, comfort, and love. That's the reason why I'm stuck in this position, all the fucking time. Sometimes I feel like all I ever do for it is complain and bring up things that shouldn't even matter to me. I get incredibly jealous when I see certain things. There are times when I just lose all hope for our friendship. I try so hard to live up to the 'forever and always' but it gets difficult when it's never around. And when it is, it's only for a quick minute or so; nothing special. There's some people it's always around that I'm not very fond of so it's hard to converse and stuff without making things awkward. It's been happy lately and it's not because of me. I have to understand that. It's not drawn to me anymore, probably someone else.

So this is how it'd feel...

...if I ever left you, forgot about you, and never forgave you. It's pretty bad, actually. It's only when I'm around people and being productive that I find myself not thinking about it much. Otherwise, when I'm alone doing nothing... it sucks. That's why I've been trying to plan out my days and stuff. I must keep myself busy for the most part. Thank God for work... I guess. If I ever have free time, I swear, I'm either gonna sleep or kill hours watching TV or movies online. But hey, I think I've made progress considering how I was the first couple of days. I just wish you knew.

In other news (LOL), I really miss my bffaa. I feel like he's been keeping in touch with everyone but me. I feel like shit, to tell you the truth. Nothing new, but whatever.

This week I need to...
- work on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday
- take my sister(s) to see Wall-E
- find a freakin' hair color (&get someone to come with me, for their opinion)
- watch hancock and wanted... hopefully
- go to the gym
- give my room a makeover
- start summer reading

Sigh, time to sleep.

Lonely Nights

Gahhh, I'm so miserable... and bored. It's 330 in the morning. I'm not very sleepy. I have no one to talk to this late for a week and a half cause my bffaa is gone. :[[[ Sigh, I really thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is. Oh, if only I could tell you people reading this.

On top of all this, I have nothing to do this week and probably the majority of next week. I'm gonna be working for a couple of days, but other than that... nothing. I was supposed to go to Yosemite with Michelle, her mom, and Dianne from the 4th-7th, but Dianne can't go anymore and I don't wanna get in between their family time. It was supposed to be one of the highlights of my summer. I was reallly really looking forward to it too. I even requested the days off so now I get to spend them doing nothinggg.

Whatever, maybe I should just get some sleep.

Unfuckingtitled

I told myself I wouldn't cry, but it's a little too late for that. We get to spend approximately one hour together tomorrow. I shouldn't even be bitter about this whole thing, but fuck... I'm so disappointed. It really shows me how little I matter, as if I haven't already felt that way the past couple of years. Makes me seem really attention whore-ish, right? I admit that I can be... a lot of the time, but UGH, I don't know how to explain it. I've been feeling like shit and sad these past two weeks or so. It's been nothing but disappointments, one after the other. I wish I didn't care. I wish you didn't make up a big part of my life. I wish I could just start over. I wish I wish I wish, but none of this is gonna change, so I should just expect the worst.


I could literally cry for days.

K-Ci - Conversation (Can I Talk To You)

So I'm reading through some old AIM conversations I've had with people. Some made me cry and some made me smile... aaand I don't know, they just got me thinking I guess. As I was reading, I realized that I like having deep, or like serious conversations about feelings and whatnot. I mean, I didn't say much in some of them, but when I did, it was... interesting. I think it just feels good when I let everything out to whoever I'm having a serious conversation with. I guess anyone that does it would feel good about it, but I think it's different when I do it cause it rarely ever happens. At times I get tired of keeping everything in, but I just can't do it. It's probably cause I don't know what to expect from the other person, and sometimes I don't really wanna know what they're feeling... that's why I always say 'forget it' or 'whatever.'

Reading all these conversations also made me see just how much things have really changed. Like, I read certain things and in my mind I'm just like, 'Wow, that's not even true anymore.' or 'It's no longer like that.' etc. Of course I'll never really know if what I'm thinking is true until the time comes, but yeah... it just sucks.

My bestfriendforeverandFUCKINGalways is leaving in a couple days and I'm not sure if we're gonna get to hang out before he leaves. :[[[

Best Friend

Hm. I guess it's selfish of me to say that I want a best friend that no one else can call their own. It sucks though, cause that's how I feel. Stupid... I know, but it'd feel great to have that one person that cares a lot for you and only you. It irritates me when I hear someone call my best friend THEIR best friend, you know? Especially when I know that person doesn't even know much about her/him. I'm just like, "heeeey, that's my best friend. =|" LOL damn, I feel hella dumb complaining about this. Maybe I shouldn't have best friends at all. -.-

On another note, today was pretty boring. I woke up at 1ish and went straight to work when I got out of the shower. Work went by pretty quick, despite the fact that I was there until 1130 at night. There's a lot of Westmoor heads applying/getting hired at Mervyn's now. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, but I want Sam and Michelle to work with me! Too bad Sam doesn't wanna apply there anymore. Yeah... nothing much to talk about since all I did was work. At least I don't have to go to work until Thursday. Mhmm. Well, bye for now.

It All Comes Crashing Down...

This week fucking sucks. Ever since that night, everything's just been shit. I only make things worse -- he even said so himself. I don't know what the hell to do cause all the negativity I've been giving seems to come naturally. It's just not the same. I wanna know what's going on in his mind sooo bad so that I can figure out what to do with myself. It's been so irritating that at one point, I was thinking about just... leaving everything. I don't know how to say but like, isolating myself from him I guess. I'm not sure if I could ever do that though. I want things normal again, like a few months ago. Well it wasn't normal, but things were pretty alright then. Whatever, no point in looking back and hoping.

Hehhhh, recap of the past couple days?
Wednesday - Went bowling with Nicole, Cindy, and others from Oceana. Afterwards, Cindy and I went to eat at In N Out. While we were waiting for our order, we saw Aaron, Andy, Dillon, Jeremy, and Harry come in, which was hella random. Chatted with them for a bit then they left. Thennn we walked all the way back to Ranch99 so Cindy could take the bus home... and well, I walked home. Me, Sam, and Michelle went to the bonfire around 7. Lots of seniors were there and it was pretty awkward. Sam, Michelle, Julia, Cindy, and I walked 20+ blocks to get some frozen yogurt then went back to the bonfire. I got pretty annoyed at some people that were acting hella stupid. Ugh, I don't even wanna get into detail about the cave we went to after. I thought I was gonna die.
Thursday - Took the bus to work. I was supposed to have lunch with someone, but uh... he didn't show up. He had a reason but damn, I was pretty mad. So mad that I was fucking tearing while walking around the mall to get some food. -.- Alex came around 330 and waited 'til I got off at 4, then we took the bus to our houses and changed cause it was way too fucking hot. It was Spare the Air Day so we decided to take the bus to the BART station, hoping to go to the city, but the trains were only free until noon, so we just went to Stonestown. I finally bought the iPhone case that I've been eye-ing and Alex saw some cute girl working at LadyFootLocker, so I guess it was worth it.
Friday/today - I woke up at 1215 or something and had nothing to do. '09 dinner was postponed until July something. It was hella nice out.. so I took a shower and randomly thought of something that my bffaa and I could do, but when I came back to tell him, he already found something to do with other people. =| I'm not gonna lie, I excited myself with the plan I had. It was nothing special, but I think it woulda been fun. So yeah, I got pretty sad. I told my sister I wanted to go to the beach so she asked my dad and I didn't think he would, but he said okay. I didn't think he'd actually stay at the beach with me and my sisters either, but he did. Hah, yeah... that's it.

Don't Wanna Lose You Now

I did it -- I told him. It felt like I got everything out, but I'm not sure anymore. You know how people usually feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off their shoulders when they finally do something like I did? Yeah... I don't feel like that at all. I sorta feel the same actually. Still discontent, blank, empty... pretty damn disappointed really. I got nothing in return after I let out my feelings that I've been holding in for the longest time. I guess I can't blame him though. Maybe it was too much. Whatever. I don't know what I want. I never did, actually.

Anyfuckingways. Things didn't go as planned today. My brother didn't wanna take the studio pictures cause he wants a haircut even though he's practically almost bald. -.- After a long night last night, I ended up waking up at 3. I had no idea it was that late already... and I wouldn't have woken up until my mom called me and asked if I was still taking Nica to the movies. So yeah, that's all I did. Kung Fu Panda was good. It was kinda awkward taking my sister out cause we never spend time together like that. I guess I should do it more often. So when me and my sister got to the BART station to wait for the bus home, I ran into Jackie, my senior friend from physics class last year! Then I turn around and I see Cindy walking towards me... and I turn around again to see Wesley about to go on the bus too. Helllla random.

Tomorrow -- bowling with Nicole and her Oceana friends. Hopefully Cindy and/or Aaron go so that I'm not the only Westmoor person. =| Bonfire with supposedly a lot of people afterwards. We'll see how it goes.

Obliterate

Hellllo, miserable me is back to blog. -.-

I wonder if there's some kind of doctor that can help get rid of feelings. Oh wait, that's what those therapists are for. Yeah, I need one. Fuck, I don't know... I just need someone to vent to. Someone that doesn't know me. Don't take it personally, but if I vent to someone that knows me, I feel like they can be biased. Like, I can already guess what they're gonna tell me. "Just find someone new... get over him... stop saying you hate your life... blah blah blah." I bet there's no one that would understand wtf I'm doing. I don't understand myself, really. OH FUCKING WELL.

So anyways, I just realized that I'm actually doing something this whole week -- finally.
Monday: Work 6-3
Tuesday: I'm planning to take my sisters to watch Kung Fu Panda at the new theater in Tanforan. Thenn, I want to secretly take studio pictures with my siblings to give to my dad for Father's Day and my mom for a late Mother's Day present.
Wednesday: Bonfire at 7pm.
Thursday: Work 7-4
Friday: '09 dinner at 7pm.
Saturday: Work 230-1130

Agh, I should go to sleep. I have to catch the first bus at 530am.
P.S. Alex! Here's another emo blog, you dumb bitch.

Say You'll Stay

Hm, okay. I'm blogging through my phone. I'm not really sure what to blog about right now.

My summer's pretty dull. Besides two days ago at the beach, all I've done is stay home or work. I just wanna hang out with everyone sooon cause I'm dying here. Especially the ones that are going out of town and stuff -- like Aaron and his Australia/Hawaii track trip. He's pretty busy doing his own stuff though. Michelle's in Seattle right now. Thank God she's coming back on Tuesday. Kaye's in the Philippines... that lucky bitch. Yeeeah.

Soo I've been TRYING to keep my mind off of... yeah, but it's not really working. It's pretty fucking hard to try to lose feelings for someone and maintain a realllly strong friendship at the same time. Our friendship's been good though -- well, online it is. -.- Sigh, whatever. Maybe not seeing him will help or something.

Okay... I just read what I wrote. I really don't know what the fuck I'm typing/saying anymore. I'm so fucking confused, it's not even funny. SHOOT ME NOW.

Driving Myself Insane

UGH, summer just started and my feelings are acting up already. Apparently, I don't love or care about someone as much anymore. Not true. If you haven't noticed, I'm still pretty damn stuck. Seriously, I should be the one asking you that question. Whatever. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'll be over it by tomorrow at the latest. -.-

Anyway... I took SAT IIs this morning -- Literature and U.S. History. I'm pretty sure I did bad. Too many damn questions on the colonies and the 18th century; not enough on the Civil Rights Movement! Blahhh. Well, Michelle had Betty (her van) and we went to the movies to watch You Don't Mess With the Zohan. I thought it'd be muuuch better. I mean, it was funny, but it was just random ass dirty jokes and shit. I didn't know it was based on the whole Israel and Palestine feud. o.o We were gonna sneak into Sex and the City, but Julia had to go home. -.- So we dropped her off and didn't know where to go. Ended up going to Serramonte cause Michelle wanted to. LOL weird. All we did was get some Blizzards at DQ. Thennn, chilled at my house. We always end up at my boring ass house when we can't think of anywhere else to go. Fucking Kenny and Jaydee came over to hang out with my brother and his friends. I find that weird. So of course they annoyed me, Sam, and Michelle. After Sam left, I asked Michelle to drop me off at the mall where my parents and sisters were so I didn't have to be stuck at home with annoying boys. I actually bought some stuff... two shirts and two pairs of jeans. Yeah, that's it.

Hmm, plans for this summer?:
- Sleepovers with the Pack
- Camping w/ the Pack + Sam &her family?
- Yosemite for 4th of July w/ Michelle &her family?
- Jonas Brothers concert on July 14 or 15 (LOL)
- Workworkwork = moneymoneymoney
- Join 24 Fitness
- Dye hair
- Get my flat tummy back :[
- Summer reading... yuck
- SAVE MONEY =x
- Learn how to drive + take permit test
I don't know... I'm just hoping to hang out with everyone a lot. So yeah, call me!

Quickie

Um yeah, just a quick rant typa thing.

I hate that I think too much about certain things. I hate that I'm so miserable. I hate that I can't move the fuck on with my life. I hate school. I hate my damn chemistry teacher. I hate chemistry. I hate time. I hate that I'm so damn ugly. I hate that I get dumber and dumber each school year. I hate that I'm so fucking lazy. I hate that I procrastinate. I hate that I get distracted so easily. I hate school. I hate that I hate so much. I hate that I can't stop thinking of you. I hate that I can't seem to fall for anyone else. I hate how confusing people can be. I hate people that can't make up their minds. I hate how people can't tell me how they really feel, although I think I already know by now just by how they act. I hate how people can't be honest with themselves. I hate that I love you too much. I hate that I eat too much. I hate that I have fat hanging off my tummy. I hate how I'm not less than 100 pounds anymore. I hate that I can't afford college. I hate that my GPA is so low. I hate people that think they're the shit. I hate it when smart people worry too much about their grades and act like their lives are over when they get an A-. I hate how happy I get when I see you, knowing that you don't fucking feel the same way. I hate how we're drifting apart. I hate how we don't hang out AT ALL and you don't care. I hate how I feel like you're not making an effort. I hate how I assume all the time. I hate my house. I hate how I'm living with people I don't like. I hate how fortunate some families are. I hate that I spend so much money. I hate how work is so fucking boring and not chill whatsoever. I hate how people always associate me with my mom. I hate how I'm not as independent as I want to be.

Okay, maybe that wasn't so quick.
Maybe hate is too strong of a word. Just pretend I said dislike instead of hate.
You guys are probably gonna think I'm the emo-est bitch ever, but try making a list of things that bother you. It'll probably be just as long, if not longer.

Walking Away

Hellooo. Before I start, I would like to wish Mtizzledizzleforshizzle a happppy 17th birthday! Now the entire pack is finally all 17 lol. I know you LOVED your surprise. <333 Hah, anyway... today started out great and ended horribly. This morning, we surprised Michelle with a chocolate cake and 17 muffins. We made her suffer the whooole day by making her carry those two trays LOL. Goodshit. Afterschool was blitz. Iono, I don't think we did that well with our hallways this time around. Hopefully our junior hallway decorations and rally poster make up for it. Yeah... then me, Sam, and Julia secretly blindfolded Michelle and took her to my car. LOL, we didn't take the blindfold off until we were ready to order at Marie Callender's. It was realllly fun. Everything started to get reallly boring when I got home, though. I got irritated... at myself, my mom, my life, my feelings, school, etc. I don't know, I'm just like that and I hate it.



As for everything else... I don't know. I really don't understand my feelings. Gahhh, I really wish I could so all of this can just be over and done with. Summer's coming and I can't fucking wait. I hope it'll help me get past all my emoness and shit. I don't know though... maybe it'll make things worse. We'll just have to see.

Honestly, I just want to get junior year over with. I'm sick of my classes. I wanna know if I got into AP or Honors Lit. already. I'll have to wait until Tuesday, I guess. I decided not to take AP Gov/Econ. Partly because Ms. Kruger scared me during the meeting and partly because I want my senior year to go by pretty smoothly. AHH fuck... fast forward fast forward fast forwaaaaard!

Sweet Misery

Since I don't have any homework to do, I'll just blog about random stuff that's going on.

School. Ah fuck, I just want junior year to be over already. These past couple of weeks have been hell for me and a bunch of others I know. Well, I don't think it seems like I've been stressing as much as others cause I'm such a fucking slacker. I've been sleeping late though, cause of homework of course. SATs were okay. I'm really hoping for an acceptable score even though I barely studied. I completely winged it. AP tests are this week and next week. AP English isn't until the 14th. I should really start studying cause I did really bad on the practice tests my class has been taking. Ugh, then tryouts for AP/Honors Lit are on the 15th. I doubt I'm gonna get into AP. Honors? Maybe. SAT IIs (US History &Literature) in June... I think I'm actually gonna study for that. What elseee? Um, elections... I lost. I really wanted the position, but it's whatever now. I'm still thinking about whether to run for office in FBLA. Yeahhh, I really need to get my grades up. I wanna raise my english grade to at least an A-, chem to a B-/C+, and trig to a B-/C+. I'm hoping for a 3.4 - 3.6 this semester. -.-

College. Omgggg, everyone's been talking about college these past few weeks. It's getting me super excited and scared at the same time. I reallllly wanna go somewhere in SoCal. They have a bunch of good schools there and I really like the environment. I also wanna get away from Daly City. Maybe I'll regret saying that, but that's what I want for now. My top choice is San Diego State right now. I like UC Irvine too, but I'm not sure if I can really get into a UC, especially with my ugly ass grades. I'm thinking about getting into business administration, but I don't know. I need to do more research. AHH, okay no more college talk. I'm getting myself excited already and I still have my whole senior year to go.

Stuff. Emotionally, I've been having ups and downs. One minute I'm hyper with my friends, the next minute I'm hella quiet and emo. It sucks. My feelings are driving me fucking crazy. I miss the old days A LOT. I think that's one of the main sources of my random sadness. Everything reminds me of... yeah. Next week is... yeah, and it makes me feel... yeah. I'm not gonna be the longest, therefore I'm not gonna be the most memorable. Damn, wth is wrong with me? Have I not made any progress? I honestly thought I did... a little. My wishful thinking is not gonna get me anywhere. I need to move the fuck on with my life.

Sigh, whatever. I used to wish for a rewind button, but now I want a fast forward one.

Happily Never After

Alright, I get it. Maybe I have been wasting my time and feelings for nothing all this time. I guess all these emo days I've been having finally made me realize what everyone's been telling me for so long. I give so much, I sacrifice so much... and I feel like I get nothing but hurt in return. True, I become the happiest person in the world when I get the rare chance of spending time with him. True, I smile like crazy when we have the corniest conversations ever. But all that happiness doesn't make up for the shitty feeling I have deep inside. It just won't go away. Things have changed; it's like he's lost that feeling... or maybe he just feels more for the other now. Either way, I hate it. I feel like the rebound. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel replaced. Yeah, he can say otherwise all he wants but it won't make a difference. He'll never know how it feels to be stood up and replaced twice. I don't think anyone really will. No one is as weak as I am; they're not dumb enough to stick around. Unlike me, they're strong enough to move on with their lives and find someone that would make them just as happy -- maybe happier.
But deep inside, I'd die if our friendship ever changes... literally. I'd be a bigger wreck than I already am now.
Sigh, it hurts so much. Whatever. For the bajillionth time, I'll leave him alone to be happy with what he's got. 'Cause there's no point, right? We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll be back to square one. Again.

Old or New?

So I know I've changed quite a bit since freshman year... personality and appearance. I'm not worried about how my look changed cause it shouldn't even matter to anyone. It's not like I dress like some of the sluts at school lol. All that's really changed about my look is my hair and how I dress. My personality on the other hand... I don't know. I'm not as shy and quiet now. If you really know me, you know I can be hella loud especially if I'm really happy and hyper lol. Conversations about my 'loudness' got me thinking about stuff. Like, whether this change is a good thing or a bad thing. I've been getting a mixed response from people I've asked, but me? I can't really choose one over the other but I can say I like the new more than old. I know I can be annoying when I'm loud, but believe it or not, I can be annoying when I'm quiet too. I'm happy that I'm finally getting rid of some of my shyness. I've been wanting to for the longest time. I can finally go in front of crowds without stuttering and shaking like crazy. Ionooo, this is another addition to my ongoing confusion.

Whatever though. It's not like I can all of a sudden go back to how I was freshman year. Just a thought...

Overview.

Okay. I have no homework today so I'll blog. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW MICHELLE?! :]

Anyways. I've been tired lately, but if you really know me then that's nothing different lol. Life's about to get reallll hectic in the next couple of months. I can't fucking wait for summer. Oh, and State! I really wish Sam was gonna go. It'd be perfect... the Pack in a room! But I guess I'll have to wait for next year for that to happen... and we're actually gonna place this time! lol. Yeah... STAR testing is what... next week or in two weeks? GAH. Then SATs and AP testing in May. On top of all that, I need to desperately get my grades up and campaign cause I'm running for '09 secretary. I hope I can take in all of this stress.

I'm really content with the friends I have right now. Sam, Michelle, Julia, Aaron, and a couple of others... they really keep me up. I'd be such a wreck without them, forreal. Some have drifted away and I don't know what's gonna happen between us in the future, but I guess we're just gonna have to see about that when the time comes. One friend in particular... my oh my have you changed. I don't know if you realize it, but ugh... we miss the old you. I don't know, maybe you think you've changed for the better... and that's great for you, but you just can't forget about us like that. Sure, you can say you've tried. I partly agree... you did, but you never pulled through. It's whatever though, I'm trying to put it all behind and like I said, we're just gonna have to see what happens. Enough about that.

So yeah. I've been at this for a long long time now. I've tried to get out of it, but I can't. This thing we have is too strong. LOL corny, but isn't it true? A part of me isn't happy that I'm still here, but the other part of me is glad. I don't want our friendship to change. LOL fuck it, I don't wanna talk about this anymore. TOO COMPLICATED and personal. :]

Mhm, there's a ton of other stuff I can go off about but I'm too lazy to think and type right now lol. 'Til next time.. which will prolly be a long time from now! lol.